Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
