If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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