By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
