I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize