She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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