Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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