Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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