the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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