remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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