I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
