man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize