I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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