The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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