Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
