The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
