I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
