: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
