please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
