you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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