We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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