i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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