The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
