And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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