Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
