Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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