i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
