Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
