I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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