I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
