I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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