My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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