Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
