i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the condom got lost in my hair
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
