I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
