You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
