I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Damn victory sex feels great
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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