I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
