he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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