I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
