here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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