Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
