found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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