Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
