I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
