I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
