Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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