Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
