Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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