I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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