im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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