Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
