Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
