when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
