I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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